Sometime back I read a few newspaper articles that didn’t seem to fit.

The first was “Southeast Texans watch ‘Adult Swim’.” 

The other: “What if the Big Bopper had lived?”

The “Swim” story was about a show on Cartoon Network, and as the assigning editor might have said, “It’s kinda weird, so let’s see who’s viewing it! That’s a story!”

Good fodder for the meat wheel, but I didn’t see the same paper reporting on other television programs. 

I didn’t see “Texans watch ‘Dancing With The Stars.’”

And anyway, what if the Bopper HAD lived? Would he still be dead now?

As the assigning editor might have said, “That’s a story!”

What I’m getting at, is that nobody wondered about Ritchie Valens or Buddy Holly.

Perhaps the paper just didn’t want to go to far. But it did.

Of course, these were entertaining stories if you could stomach the concept, and I’m sure a lot of folks enjoyed reading them. That’s what newspapers do – try and get you to read them, especially with the Internet taking over as your daily town crier. (And don’t forget about those ads! Please look at the darn ads!).

So in that spirit, here’s something we might find in 2009:

*What if the Crucifixion was in Southeast Texas? “Jesus, a somewhat controversial leader, carried his cross all the way down the street. He wound up at the Parkdale Mall in Beaumont. Before he died, got a really good sale on some sweaters.”

* What does Jared from Subway think about the local half-cent sales tax? “Hi, this is Jared. I think it’s really, really cool. You’ll buy less food and lose weight. Want to see my fat pants again?”

On the national level, we might find these: 

* Did Mickey Mouse kick Hitler’s ass? From Germany comes word that Mickey said, in a high-pitched voice, “Oh no Mr. Dictator! You need to get in the bunker – now!!”

* Is the moon made of green cheese? “This … is Walter Cronkite, and tonight I’m exploring every crater in the moon. There … apparently … is cheese.”

* What does the country think of “American Idol?” Oooops, that’s already been done too many times.

* What do crazy people think about global warming? Al Gore interviews Charles Manson and Tom Cruise. The story is about 25 words long.

* Why do columnists come up with stupid columns? Thank you Mad magazine, when I was 12 – about a week ago.