DISGUISED SANTA GETS OUT OF TOWN THANKS TO UBER
He held so many little excited kids on his knee Saturday at the mall that Santa’s lap was aching and his bright red suit had worn marks about his knees.
But Santa knew that when his agreed time to leave was up, he would not be able to just get up and walk out. He would feel like the Pied Piper as scores of children would follow him wherever he would go.
So, Santa got with one of the mall honchos and worked out a deal where he would put on a hobo’s hat, sneak out the freight entrance and go down the elevator to a waiting Uber car. It would drive him to a location where he could get on with his normal business of being Santa Claus.
But in his haste to evacuate the premises, he dropped his tablet but just kept going. On that tablet was the following gift list for next week’s annual delivery:
GEORGIA HEAD COACH KIRBY SMART—A new birth certificate changing his name from Kirby Smart to Kirby Dumbass for faking a punt against Alabama in the SEC Championship game in the fourth quarter with the score tied 28-28 and then losing 35-28.
GOLFING PARTNER CRAIG COUVILLION—A Swiffer duster to remove the cobwebs from his golf cart that have formed from inactivity because he works all the time.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS—A Streak-Breakers Certificate for snapping the Houston Texans nine-game streak by winning 24-12 and then coming back the very next week and blanking the Dallas Cowboys 23-0 Sunday, ending their five-game streak.
NEWTON EAGLES –The Gillette Close Shave award by scoring a touchdown in the last 13 seconds of last week’s state semifinal game against East Bernard that the Eagles won 21-14 to keep their two-year winning streak intact and move on to the state championship game against Canadian 3 pm. tomorrow (Thursday) at AT&T Stadium in Arlington.
OHIO STATE’S NEW HEAD COACH RYAN DAY—An oversized shoe box because he has some mighty big shoes to fill after Urban Meyer leaves the team for medical reasons following the Rose Bowl Jan. 1.
KROGER’S PHARMACY MANAGER KYLEE RICHARD—The Multi-Tasking Certification for being as good of a mother as she is and also doing a first-class job at the store.
ESPN’S SUNDAY NIGHT BASEBALL—An extra hour of sleep for those rabid fans who will now watch the game start an hour earlier in 2019.
GREEN BAY’S FUTURE HALL OF FAME QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS—An Unbreakable Golden Record to signify his accomplishment of 402 passes without an interception that was halted Sunday in his team’s 24-17 loss to the Chicago Bears on a pass that deflected off the intended receiver.
ORANGE BRIDGE CLUB DIRECTOR ED RASMUSSEN—Dual Personality Analysis for being an expert on the rules of bridge plus a talented consultant about the blending of house paint colors.
DALLAS COWBOYS RUNNING BACK EZEKIEL ELLIOTT—Onions and Coal in his stocking for being the first offensive player to be penalized by the new Helmet-to Helmet Rule despite leading the NFL in touches, overall yards from scrimmage and rushing yardage. He was fined $26,739 Saturday by the league.
NEW BRIDGE PARTNER SUSAN PENNINGTON—The Accelerated Learning Award for grasping the game so quickly and showing such excellent card sense.
BOSTON RED SOX—The Cost of Winning Trophy for buying so much expensive talent to be world champions and then having to pay a $12 million luxury tax to the league.
WEST ORANGE-STARK HEAD COACH CORNEL THOMPSON—A Crystal Ball hopefully showing a much more experienced team returning for the 2019 high school football season.
BALTIMORE RAVENS ROOKIE QUARTERBACK LAMAR JACKSON—The Miracle Worker Plaque for leading his team to four wins in the last five games and getting them right back into the thick of the race for the upcoming playoffs next month.
DALLAS COWBOYS—A Huge Crying Towel to use after getting beat in all phases of the game by the Indianapolis Colts Sunday 23-0, which was the first time the Cowboys had been shut out since the New England Patriots did it 12-0 on Nov. 16, 2003.
SUNSET GROVE GOLFER BOB HOEPNER—A Two-Pronged Talent suggesting that he not only plays a lot of golf, but also should spend time as a stand-up comedian.
NFL RULES COMMITTEE—A New Penalty prohibiting a team on offense from pushing the pile toward the goal once the play slows to a halt. A referee’s whistle should stop the play at that point, but never does.
HOUSTON ASTROS’ STARTING PITCHING STAFF—The Penthouse to The Outhouse Reversal for losing 500 innings to free agency or injury. Charlie Morton is already signed by Tampa Bay, Dallas Keuchel is still looking for a multi-year contract and Lance McCullers, Jr. is injured and out for 2019.
SUNSET GROVE GOLFER KENNY RUANE—The Magic Potion he must use to do his normal routine and then be able to play 18 holes of golf five or six times a week.
GOLDEN STATE WARRIOR STAR STEPH CURRY—The Kook Award for publicly announcing the 1969 moon landing was a hoax and then backing up and claiming he was only joking after hundreds of basketball fans implied he was a buffoon.
WEST ORANGE-STARK MUSTANGS—The Fair-Weather Award after finding out Dec. 7 they can’t play football as well as Silsbee in the pouring rain.
HOUSTON TEXANS—The Destiny Control Syndrome thanks to Pittsburgh’s 17-10 upset over New England Sunday. Houston controls its own future by winning the last two games against Philadelphia and Jacksonville and getting their first bye in the first round since the 1993 Houston Oilers did it. Today, Houston has the second AFC seed at 10-4 while New England is third with 9-5.